Should I Stay or Should I Go

IMG_1580After staying home raising children for 22 years, I recently interviewed for a position that will take me not just out of the home, but into the sky. If you guessed astronaut, you just don’t know me, and that hurts.

For all of you who have interviewed for jobs that would be your career, I am so sorry for not understanding how nerve wracking and frightening it is! I hate to sound like a nominated actor who says,” I am thankful to just be nominated.”, but….since I haven’t interviewed since I was 19 at a pizza joint, I really am thankful my resume was even considered.

I’ve been chosen for a position as a flight attendant. (assuming I pass training)

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It’s something I have always felt suits me well, and I truly feel I would be great at it. I’m not one for sitting still and having no change of scenery. People who know me well are in complete agreement that I am cut out for being friendly and nice to people on a daily basis. I’m sort of like buddy the elf….Β Β 97fe6357cf43ac80816b1206b2e4ea9f

“How did she handle staying home for 22 years?,” one might ask. It hasn’t been easy! I’ve struggled, and struggled, and struggled. It’s been my sacrifice for my children. I’m not naturally patient, organized, inclined to bake and cook, educate, and keep a home clean. But I do it. Before I got married and had children, my living space was frightening and I nourished myself with Spaghettios, booze, and cigarettes!

To top it all off, I am 100% extroverted. I thrive among people…..not necessarily three foot tall ones, but the big kind. You get it – staying home and home educating has been a choice, but not my calling. There’s no award or pat on the back for it, but I’d say so far I’ve done a darn good job.Β  It’s just time to add something new to my repertoire.

So it may be time for me to fly. Oh come on….how could I resist that pun?

I’ll give you mommies three guesses as to what I am dealing with now. It starts with the letter “g” and ends with mommy usually not doing what she knows would be best for her. πŸ˜‰

GUILT – oh that word that controls way too much of our lives! I felt guilty for taking the time to prepare for an interview. I feel guilty for accepting the invitation to training. I feel guilty that I am now spending my evenings studying for training. How will I get through training without exploding with guilt? I am quite sure that each time my husband leaves for work, he feels no guilt. And he shouldn’t! He’s our bread winner and he’d feel guilty if he were at home. It’s so different for a mother. I know mom’s who have worked from the beginning after their children are born. The guilt is constant. All I can do is keep telling myself to choose the no guilt route. Did you know it’s that easy?

It’s not – but it is an option. If I feel guilty, I’m choosing to allow myself to feel that way. All of the children will be taken care of. My husband will survive, just like I have during years of different training and traveling he did for his career. Most importantly….mommy will feel good about herself, and that makes for a happy mommy.

On a very not so important note – I LOVED wearing a grown up suit to the interview! Deep down I’m still a little girl who loves to play dress up. So often I’ve walked by Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, etc., and longed to wear a flattering, professional looking outfit. Then I woke up, brushed off my yoga pants and pushed the stroller to Gymboree.

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Isn’t it darling? I hope it was the poor lighting of the public restroom during my photo shoot….my blush looks very strange.

There’s another piece that is pushing me toward working. It would be so easy for me to stay where I am at, and not face this challenge. That may happen actually. I may decide it’s not worth the headache. But my daughters are watching. I have three sons and three daughters. We are a bit of an old fashioned family. It wasn’t planned, it just happened. Daddy works. Mommy has babies and stays home. I want my girls to know they can have whatever they want. I need to show them they can follow their heart, their dreams, at any age! I’m 44 years old. I can’t help but think it would be a good example to show them if “later” on in life you need a change, it’s ok!

I’ve hidden behind the walls of 11 homes in 22 years, due to many corporate moves for my husband’s career. It has been so easy to stay comfortable, but it’s no longer good for me. I’m not sure it was ever good for me, but I do feel it was good for my children. Being a mom is always a sacrifice, whether you stay home or work. You end up sacrificing something of yourself, and it’s totally worth it.

Now my brain and heart are yearning to stretch. I’m terrified of it all really. It may not be a flight attendant career I go for. I may find during training that it’s not for me. I have other ideas up my sleeve if that’s the case.

Sometimes I wish I had one of those calm personalities that could ignore that little, rebellious soul inside of me that says, “I’m not satisfied! Give me more!” I have friends that so easily say, “Oh well, life just is what it is.” I envy being able to feel that way. I have what’s called the tortured artist’s soul. I feel deeply, question everything, ponder everything, contemplate my destiny…..all that stuff. It’s exhausting. I don’t know if it makes me interesting or just strange.

As you can see, I could use some support. Where are you at in your lives, other moms? I’d love to hear from you. One thingΒ  I love about motherhood is the instant connection and bond with other mothers, no matter what our style is. We have that one thing in common always – our hearts are walking around outside our bodies, in our children.