I’m still in shock. So often in my life, I have been on fire, ready to take on the world, and then BAM! It’s done. Excitement….gone. Big life change….gone. Discouragement….here.
My journey into my new career has come to an abrupt halt. I prepared for months. My confidence and excitement grew. I made a million lists, I bought grown up clothes and shoes, I hired a sitter, and I went off to training.
Some issues happened and I am now just realizing I guess I better not share details so as not to offend anyone involved. In a nutshell, my children needed mom at home.
When I came to this conclusion during an evening alone in my hotel room where I was staying, fighting a migraine and many tears, I knew it was the right thing to do – to come home. Oh the right thing is so often the hardest! I stood in that room sobbing, considering calling another trainee to let me cry on her shoulder and maybe talk me out of leaving or confirm my decision. At that point I was in my pjs with no bra, my face red from crying, and I had known these people a week. So that scenario was not an option. God seems to like to get me alone in hotel rooms to bring me to my breaking point. Someday I’ll share my other depressing hotel room story.
I prayed, begging God to help me do the right thing. I didn’t want to regret my decision. In the end, I threw all of my stuff together, barely slept and headed home in the morning. Sending that email to my instructor was one of the hardest choices I’ve made. I had dreamt of this flight attendant job for a while and worked hard to get there. Visions of having to tell all of my friends I was quitting, was a humiliating thought.
Although I was exhausted, I was quite miraculously on the mountain top as I drove home to save the day. I felt like super mom and super wife. I missed my family, I missed cooking, and cleaning, even laundry. Weird, right? Being away and hitting rock bottom with emotions can bring a short elated feeling when we climb out of the pit. Then it stops and we wonder what the hell just happened.
So here I am again, feeling like a nutcase. See, after being home 22 years and struggling the past few, I felt like I was doing the right thing by finding something outside the home. I know I need something, but I also love my children dearly and will not trust just anyone to care for them when I am not around. Can I get a witness?? Can we simply not have it all? I guess I have always believed that. I know I can’t give everything 100%. Something has to give.
We all have different personalities. I find being passionate is frustrating. I’m passionate about my children and their education at home. I am passionate about writing. I am passionate about people and very social. As I age I am passionate about finding myself and my own identity away from home. But you mix all that up with what I said earlier….”I love my children more than anything”……and it gets difficult and confusing.
Well like any “writer” I have taken this as a sign that it’s time to take that book writing dream seriously. For myself, and probably many others, taking the time to make it happen is the most difficult part. I am always telling my children to pursue their dreams. Don’t just find a career that’s a quick fix. Do what you love.
I’m not sure I believe everything happens for a reason, but I do try to find silver linings. What other choices are there other than finding the positive? I could easily fall into a depression right now. I have a good excuse and many people to care for me. I could cry off and on through the day, and have a bit. Or I can start again. After expecting me to be gone 20 days a month for the first year as a flight attendant, leaving a couple days a week for some solitude for the sake of writing, won’t seem so bad to my family. Working weekends somewhere fun just to get out a little won’t seem so radical anymore. See how that works? Silver linings. 😉